OFF THE HOOK

 

(phone messages to unlikely people)

 

 

TO: ALI BABA

FROM: YOUR DAD

MESSAGE: MOTHER UPSET OVER

YOUR CHOICE OF FRIENDS

 

TO: WEATHER FORECASTER

FROM: NOAH

MESSAGE: SCATTERED SHOWERS,

MY ASS!

 

TO: SANTA CLAUS

FROM: THE ELVES

MESSAGE: CAN NO LONGER SURVIVE

ON SEASONAL WORK

 

TO: VAN GOGH

FROM: YOUR BARBER

MESSAGE: SORRY ABOUT THE EAR

 

TO: ROMEO

FROM: JULIET

MESSAGE: BALCONY UNDER REPAIR—USE STAIRS

 

TO: OEDIPUS

FROM: DR. FREUD

MESSAGE: CALL YOUR MOTHER

 

TO: SNOW WHITE

FROM: OLYMPIC COMMITTEE

MESSAGE: DWARF-TOSSING EVENT ON SATURDAY. BRING YOUR FRIENDS.

 

TO: ALBERT EINSTEIN

FROM: HAIR SALON

MESSAGE: FORGET THE CREW CUT.  LET'S GO FOR UNKEMPT.

 

TO: FRANKENSTEIN

FROM: DERMATOLOGIST

MESSAGE: THOSE BOLTS ON YOUR NECK SHOULD BE REMOVED

 

TO: DON JUAN

FROM: VENUS

MESSAGE: DON'T FORGET THE VIAGRA

 

TO: O. HENRY

FROM: BOOK EDITOR

MESSAGE: NEEDS CLEVER TWIST AT END

 

TO: DATAMATE

FROM: KING KONG

MESSAGE: HAIRY MALE SEEKS PETITE BLONDE

 

TO: SHERLOCK HOLMES

FROM: NOVELTY CAPS

MESSAGE: SORRY CAP LOOKS SILLY. BUT ALL SALES ARE FINAL!

 

TO: LEWIS CARROL

FROM: PUBLISHER

MESSAGE: LOVE THE BOOK, BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE BRILLIG AND SLITHY TOVES?

 

TO: HELEN OF TROY

FROM: PLASTIC SURGEON

MESSAGE:  CALL WHEN FACE NO LONGER LAUNCHES SHIPS

 

TO: STEPHEN FOSTER

FROM: CAMPTOWN LADIES

MESSAGE: DOODAH! DOODAH!

 

TO: CAR DEALERSHIP

FROM: CIRCUS CLOWN

MESSAGE: LOOKING FOR SMALL CAR THAT HOLDS 20 BOZOS

 

TO: ICHABOD CRANE

FROM: GOLD'S GYM

MESSAGE:  SORRY, BUT WORKING OUT WON'T HELP

 

TO: RAND MCNALLY

FROM: LEWIS AND CLARK

MESSAGE: WOULD BE EASIER IF YOU SENT US A MAP

 

TO: PODIATRIST

FROM: ACHILLES

MESSAGE: ANYTHING FOR A BAD HEEL?

 

TO: SOCRATES

FROM: ZEUS PHARMACY

MESAGE:   NO HEMLOCK WITHOUT A PRECRIPTION

 

TO: GULLIVER

FROM: TRAVEL AGENT

MESSAGE: YOUR TOUR HAS BEEN CONFIRMED

 

TO: JOHN WILKES BOOTH

FROM: ACTING COACH

MESSAGE:  HOPING YOU'D BECOME AN ACTOR/WAITER INSTEAD OF AN ACTOR/ASSASSIN.

 

TO: CUPID

FROM: LAWYER

MESSAGE: MY CLIENT CLAIMS YOUR ARROW PIERCED HER HEART

 

TO: DR. JEKYLL

FROM: ADULT ED

MESSAGE: TONIGHT'S ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING COURSE WILL BE HELD IN ROOM 203

 

TO: DRACULA

FROM: HYGIENIST

MESSAGE: WE DON'T CLEAN FANGS ONCE THE SUN GOES DOWN

 

TO: METHUSELAH

FROM: MRS. METHUSELAH

MESSAGE: PICK UP SOME GERITOL, BEN GAY, AND EXLAX ON YOUR WAY HOME TONIGHT.

 

TO: BIG SNOOZE PILL CO.

FROM:  RIP VAN WINKLE

MESSAGE: SUGGEST YOU SELL MUCH SMALLER PILL

 

TO: LITTLE MISS MUFFET

FROM: EXTERMINATOR

MESSAGE: COMING RIGHT OVER TO SPRAY THAT SPIDER.  ENJOY YOUR CURDS AND WHEY.

 

TO: LEONARDO DAVINCI

FROM: MONA LISA

MESSAGE: SORRY ABOUT THE WEIRD SMILE. EMBARRASSED BY MY NEW BRACES.

 

TO: FAIRY GODMOTHER

FROM: CINDERELLA

MESSAGE: GLASS SLIPPER SHATTERED CAUSING NASTY CUT. MY LAWYER WILL BE IN TOUCH.

pixl, muse-themes.com, jeremy goldberg